IF I WAS A DOG

If I was a dog, I’d be free as the breeze
Wanderin’ ‘round markin’ mailboxes and trees
Just one of the mutts, playing tag, sniffin’ butts
Not tryin’ to be crude, but I’d have dog attitude

If she was a dog, she’d have a fine pedigree
Spend long afternoons with the ladies at tea
Have papers that linked her to the most regal hounds
The upper of the uppermost crust to be found

We’d have no more in common than Juliet and Romeo
The scourge of the pound and the best in the show

If I had a master, he’d sleep in his van
Smoke cigarettes, drink beer straight from the can
Wear dirty T-shirts and have vulgar tattoos
Yellow teeth, uncombed hair, and wear trashy old shoes
 
Her master would be the quintessential success
Well-bred, educated, and impeccably dressed
And she herself, I fine dog, would be smothered in riches
And be seen at the park with the finest of bitches 
     (remember, were talkin’ about dogs here)

In this protracted metaphor, you may find no surprises
But, then again, certainly one question arises
Of all the proverbial fish in the sea
What the hell is she doin’ with me?